On Goats

Introduction. We all know: Goats have been around for centuries, millennia even. However, it’s not obvious to most that goats are also an important factor in terms of economy — today more than ever. They are actively co-shaping our world, making it a better, more nutritious, and at times more complex place. Without goats there would be no bees or trees, not to mention goat cheese. This interview is all about these divine creatures.


Talking to:  Claudiu-Vlad Ursache 

Who: Goat Expert and Software Writer
What: Goats

I’d like to thank the expert interviewee Claudiu for dedicating a bit of his precious time to discuss this deeply existential topic with us. Get in touch with him here (‣ Claudiu’s website), in case some of your personal questions remained unanswered in this interview.

Memorable moment for the goat (left): Claudiu-Vlad Ursache

Knows and understands most goats: Claudiu-Vlad Ursache | (c) Arcin / Claudiu

If you look at the DNA of a goat, you will discern many similarities to human DNA. In fact, goat’s DNA is ten times closer to human’s than Michael Jackson’s DNA. That is not to say that goats function in the same way we do. There are crucial differences regarding methods, goals and values. Before we get nosebleeds trying to figure out goats’ internal life and their role in co-shaping this world, it’s best to ask an expert. Here we go.

Let’s talk goats. How important are they for global economy?

Like the rubber O-rings of NASA’s Space Shuttle Challenger, goats may be often forgotten but they play a crucial role in today’s no government involvement, unless we’re in big trouble, in which case taxpayers please, please, please pay for our gamble free-market system. To give just a few examples of unexpected places in which these agile ruminants exert their influence: increased demand for capretto (found in Gucci shoes and narrations of 85$-dishes delivered by Michelin-starred generals) directly leads farmers in Texas to owning fewer cattle; a glance inside Palestinian smuggler tunnels uncovers animal fodder priced ten times above global market value as a direct consequence of goats kicking ass at being livestock in war-ridden terrain (and the Israeli trade embargo, of course); finally, the feral goat herds of Senkaku Islands are a diplomatic aura that keeps the $350 billion trade between Japan and China on track. ‣ Further reading

Can people and goats be friends despite different value systems?

Yes! The viral Hand-shaking Hoof-Facebook-profile-picture-filter movement in low-GDP countries has brought to light millions of homo-caprine relationships. A better proof for this natural inter-species bond we share is hardly necessary, especially considering the embodiment of aristotelian virtues that every goat has shown itself to be.

A glance inside Palestinian smuggler tunnels uncovers animal fodder priced ten times above global market value as a direct consequence of goats kicking ass at being livestock in war-ridden terrain.

What kind of goat would have the most difficulties changing a light bulb?

Survivors of the Capra eléctrica project — the undertaking planned by Thomas Edison in which goats were bred, trained and clockwork-oranged over the course of two decades for the sole purpose of discrediting AC-powered light bulbs in a carefully planed public demonstration at a New York amusement park in 1903.

Imagine you’re walking down the street at night. A goat crosses your way. What goat is it?

The Trump-supporting billy goat.

Pick any goat you can think of and say how it fits in today’s world and society.

I’ll go with Armin Ibrisagic’s goat. Even though it’s made out of bytes, vertex shaders, git commits, not atoms, molecules, eukaryotic cells, this digital Magna Capra has brought evening peace to as many people as Paris holds by unleashing the wrath of straight-horns upon unsuspecting cities.

Takeaway. This interview leaves us with quite a few insights into how goats act within our system. I’m glad our interviewee mentioned Armin Ibrisagic’s goat, as I was secretly hoping. You gotta see this special goat, if you get the chance, during the Goats United Festival, next edition kicking off coming June. There will be surprise guests and a firework, as I’ve been told by insiders. Keep an eye open for that one. As for economical advice we can derive from the above: Ditch gold and art hedgefonds. Invest in goat stock.