Yesterday I watched the seventh episode of American Crime Story’s second season (Versace) and it got me thinking about the struggle that gay men are facing so often. Inner conflicts tied to the situation of being gay in a straight society can be dramatic, and can escalate badly, if an individual feels threatened and paralyzed by society. In the above mentioned episode, a closeted gay man murders his flirt (an elderly man who is openly gay) in an extremely brutal way.

“So if you don’t like guys, what do you like?” – “Motorbikes.”

The elderly man didn’t do anything wrong, on the contrary, he is being very kind and inviting, but in a way he represents the forbidden world and points directly to the internal conflict of the closeted man. Not only does he point to the conflict, he activates an intense impulse, so upon a single little touch the closeted man goes from a fight-or-flight state into savage mode in no time and slays his victim with a piece of heavy table decoration.

The way he carries out the murder, it seems like tons of stored pressure is being released. The conflict has been growing over time, reaching unbearable dimensions.

To point out the obvious: There would be no internal conflict associated with homosexuality, if it wasn’t for rigid expectations of the general society. Society has a problem with anything that’s different, unless it can profit from the difference in any way. The world seems cruel sometimes.

Homosexuals are not the only ones facing this kind of problem, but they’re among the first and most clearly outlined groups that come to mind. Some people might feel like they’re not allowed to be different, for all kinds of reasons, so they get tense and unhappy. They try to kill themselves, or they kill other people. In smoother cases, they remain closeted for life, which, in turn, can wake disrespect or disgust among their fellow gay men (who are openly gay). So you can either be a) openly gay and have a problem with the society or b) closeted gay and have a problem with the gay community — and, more importantly, with your own self.

Now, the Versace story took place in USA in the 90s. These days in Europe the overall situation should be more relaxed, though it might be a lukewarm compromise rather than a true embrace of deviations from the average.

I rarely find myself in a conflict with what society expects from me, except for my deep aversion of bureaucracy and its consequences. If I were a homosexual man, I’d probably find a way to live my identity in a way that wouldn’t get me into trouble. It all starts with the right people, and with turning away from wrong people.

Wants and Standards

Tony Robbins has many jobs, but he’s mostly a motivational coach. Unlike thousands of other motivational coaches he has a direct and immediate wisdom, without any bullshit. I’m grateful I found him. Not that I need coaching.

What he’s saying: If you want to achieve something, you should know that wanting is not enough (and at the same time too much). Wanting to get in shape by going to the gym won’t get you far. You’ll need willpower to go on with your New Year’s resolutions, and willpower never lasts. Most people ditch their resolutions by January 16th.

If you want to get somewhere, you don’t need force. Take a look at what you have already achieved: a degree or your own home, a job or a won competition. Things you have achieved are part of your standards, and thus of your identity. If you think know you’re someone who has or needs a degree, you will get a degree. Your standards make you you. It’s so simple that it makes me dizzy.

Notes on Instagram

Since about a year now I’ve been posting things on Instagram. In the meantime I was watching what everybody else was doing. It took me a long while to realize that not everybody is doing boring stuff. What I consider boring is sticking to the same genre and even subject, doing the same thing over and over again. Someone will only post landscapes, someone else will only post food pictures.



I’m not saying that sticking to the same theme is bad, it can be good in a meditative sense, of seeing a theme in different variations, or light, or perspective. The problem is only that I doubt that people would do it for awareness reasons.

During my research I stumbled upon Instagram groups, which are called pods in the insider circles. This pod thing is going nuts right now, it’s all over Facebook, in fact I think this is getting absurd. Consider the following picture:

The point of the whole thing: If you have a group of people who have similar accounts, they can support each other by engaging in others’ posts. The goal is, as so often, to get more followers, likes and such.

Ultimately this means that all these people are taking their landscape photos, being in a niche, so they can increase their public exposure (to put it nicely).

Now, as a consequence, I feel myself trapped in a conflict: What should you go for, consistency or personal integrity (authenticity)? Are you serving an audience or are you being yourself? Both is kind of legit, I don’t need to explain the being yourself thing, and doing something for an audience makes sense because social relevance is a good point — your work should matter to someone else, that’s why it’s public.

Doesn’t matter how long I think about it, I think that if you want more followers, the content of your stuff doesn’t matter. That thing you’re doing becomes irrelevant.

Of course, you might object, most people don’t do so much thinking. They want fame, and they’re trying to get it. However, as Tony Robbins (who once coached Steve Jobs among others) said, “Wants don’t (consistently) get you anywhere, standards do.” Your follower number can’t be your standard. I actually need to write a separate article about this.

Why I’m fascinated by Versace

One fine day I saw an interview with Ricky Martin, right after which the interviewer went nuts because she was a huge fan of Ricky Martin. While she was expressing her admiration by going like “Oh my God”, thinking that the camera is off, Ricky Martin was watching the whole spectacle and smiling. Eventually everybody noticed that they were still on air, and started freaking out collectively.

Ricky Martin Interview (Link)

Cute story, but anyhow, Ricky Martin was giving an interview, and it evolved around the 2nd season of American Crime Story, which he was part of. It’s about the assassination of Gianni Versace.

So I went on to watch the American Crime Story trailer and found it so beautiful that it instantly caught my attention. Then I watched several documentaries about Gianni Versace and his killer Andrew Cunanan.

Shortly after, I watched the second episode (accidentally) of American Crime Story, and then the first (and then the third). This non-linear viewing felt natural, as the narrative time of the story is fragmented anyway.

Frame from the trailer

Before I say anything more, see for yourself. Things have to do with vibes and so on.


Due to the sloppiness that’s in my blood I managed to wait since last summer with the removal of the ban. Bye bye, ban, hello new blog.

I’m yet to figure out where this is going, but at least I have a brand new starting point. Might import the entire history since 2006 sometime, and then it will become apparent that this place underwent quite a few changes.

If you’re here for the first time: Welcome! Don’t expect anything like a niche blogging here.