Dear Sir, dear Madam,
perhaps there’s some way you can help me. I’m a promising artist who makes unique art. I was wondering whether you would be interested in working on my behalf. Let’s help me together. Don’t bother booking an appointment. I know what your consulting fees are; lunch is far cheaper.
Damien Hirst is my spirit animal.
I just want to call and ask you a bunch of questions about myself and my situation. Please take time out of your day, read and study everything I’ve sent you, consider my circumstances, come up with some worthwhile ideas about how I can do things better, and then write everything up in a report and email it to me. I have no website traffic; you have lots. If I can get a link to my website on yours, then I can increase my traffic.
I would really appreciate if you would review everything I’ve emailed you about my situation, and either call and speak with me, or write up a report with your opinions on what I’m doing now, recommendations on how best to proceed from this point forward, and then email it to me.
I’d like to ask you questions about how I can improve everything I’m trying to do. Please review my situation, circumstances, resume, work history, website, approach to the marketplace, business plan, overall presentation, and then write up a report with your ideas and recommendations, and email it to me. What do you think about what I’m doing and how I’m doing it?
Please write your thoughts up in a report along with your recommendations and email it to me. Review my materials, think about what you can do to improve my status, stature or quality of life, write up a proposal about how you intend to do that, and then email it to me. I’ll look it over and decide whether you’re good enough for me to work with.
The above text is for the larger part selectively taken from Alan Bamberger‘s amazing blog about art industry. It consists of everything not to do when writing to galleries, agents or art dealers. This has been done purely for the joy of the experiment. Main lesson to be learnt here: Do not approach people in such a self-centered way, unless you really overdo it.
Photo cred: (c) Michael Birt